So Far, So Good
Posted March 14, 2009on:
Why have I not posted lately?!
I can assure you it’s for a good reason
I think (fingers crossed- so far so good!) that I have a normal relationship with food now. A couple weeks ago I began getting more exercise (running, working more hours, etc.) so I figured, hey, I need to refuel properly. AKA, I can eat what I want. So I did. I ate what I wanted, I ate when I wanted, and I did this for a week, and you know what? The world didn’t fall apart. I didn’t even gain a pound. I feel healthy, in fact. By ignoring the rules of food, food no longer controls my life.
If you’re wondering what my “eating pattern” is now, it falls under the simple category of eating according to hunger level. Some days are breakfast, lunch, snack, snack, dinner, snack; some are breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner; and believe it or not, a couple times I just had breakfast, lunch, dinner. But each of those days, I ate according to hunger level. I’ve always been good at listening to my body’s hunger cues, and now that I don’t ignore them (!) I can fuel my body properly.
If I ever need an example of how to eat, I can look at my sister. She’s never had anything near an eating disorder. Whereas she eats a couple hundred calories every couple hours, my eating disorder would never allow such “mayhem.” I had to sit down to three proper meals a day, or I was a “failure.” Eating when I wasn’t hungry was never a problem (I’m always hungry! ), but I would often wait hours to eat even if I was starving, because it wasn’t “mealtime” yet. I realize now that this isn’t normal; people who eat three meals a day do so because it takes 5-6 hours for them to feel hungry again after a meal. I, as a growing teenager, should not force my body to wait for food.
When I am hungry, and there is no food available, I have to realize that I will live. When there’s plentiful food in the house, I feel that I can wait a couple hours until I’m hungry. But if I’m planning on going away from home, even if just to a friend’s house, I eat before I leave, whether I’m hungry or not. That’s something I haven’t conquered yet, but I will. If I can erase my “meal times,” then I can get rid of this strange worry, too.
Food is no longer like an idol that I obsess over, take pictures of, think about constantly. It’s more like a friend to me now. It’s there, it helps me stay alive, but I don’t watch everything it does or take notes about everything it “says.” It’s just… there.
Having a blog helped me along this path of recovery, there’s no question about that.